I actually haven’t written shit in over a year. I think I’ve been busy with something, but I have no idea what. I’ve been dicking around this whole time. Mostly watching Mega64:Cowpokez over and over again and imitating it. I don’t have a hobby horse, though, so I use a broom. And I’m scared I’ll get arrested so I just stand in the backyard flipping over the same table over and over again. Then I flip off raccoons and shit.
(This is what I actually do)
Anyways, I really like candy, I have no idea what I’d eat without it other than noodles and Korean BBQ, neither of which I can afford. There’s this one flavor I really hate, though, which is called blue raspberry. My friends are always so excited when I get a bag of Jolly Ranchers, always saying, ‘hey, give me the blue raspberry.’ I give them it but I don’t understand why the hell they’d want that piece of shit. It may taste good to them, but even if they tasted good to me, I still wouldn’t eat them.
You know why? It’s because I’ve got something special inside of me, something very special.
They’re called morals.
I don’t eat blue raspberry candy because I don’t eat contradictions. Eating contradictions ultimately will cause you to become a
contradictory person, just like most suspected murderers in Phoenix Wright.
You don’t want to become a murderer, do you? I sure don’t. That’s why I don’t eat anything blue raspberry. Things like Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers, Skittles, Laffy Taffy, Airheads. These are bad to eat, unless you want to fucking end up in jail for manslaughter.
Or taste bud slaughter.
Or just slaughter.
I actually don’t like normal raspberries too much either, but I have to admit, those blue raspberries in the picture look incredibly nasty.
Let me tell you a story about something I did one time that was really bad yet full of justice. Basically, I went to Safeway with some friends and found all the blue raspberry candy. Then I fucked shit up.
We crossed out the “rasp” in “blue raspberry,” effectively making it “blueberry.”
I’m a criminal, I know.
But the whole reason they did this blue raspberry shit was to get a blue candy on the market.
But for some reason they couldn’t think of a flavor, so they made up their own. When they think of “blue” and a “berry,” they think of fucking blue raspberry. WHAT ABOUT BLUEBERRY YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!?!? THAT’S A REAL GODDAMN BERRY. YOU CAN EAT IT IN REAL LIFE WITHOUT GETTING FOOD POISONING.
God, fuck blue raspberry.
I’m going to go listen to my Mulan soundtrack now, that always cheers me up when I’m thinking of dumb blue raspberries.