Christmas

Merry Christmas to the 2 or 3 people who ever read this.

I still haven’t gotten off my lazy ass and posted anything good, meaning my 2 or 3 readers has probably dropped to 0 or 1.But OH WELL.

Let me tell you something about Christmas. It’s about giving people expensive gifts.

That’s it.

Some of my quote: “smart friends” (double quote) call this holiday (Christmas, not Chan Ukh Hah) “American Consumerism Day.”

This is why I said quote (actually, double quote). It’s because I was quoting someone. I didn’t actually say they were smart, someone else did (probably another quote: “smart friend” (double quote)) (double parentheses).

These guys are fucking retards.

On every calender, the 25th of December is listed as “Christmas.” (quote) The word “Christmas” (quote) is the correct spelling of the word “Christmas.” (quote) I know for a fact that in America, you spell “Christmas” (quote) “Christmas” (quote).

These quote: “smart friends” (back to double quote) of mine cannot even spell “Christmas.” They’re spelling it “American Consumerism Day.”

Damn, I’m too tired to post.

I’m getting my Jewish friend something.

I’m engraving a baseball bat with “The Bear Jew.”

-Santa

Short Reassuring Post

I’m still here, I’ve just been busy.

This post isn’t here to provide humor or put a smile on your face. It’s only here because I haven’t posted for like 2 weeks.

That’s a long time.

In dog years, that’s about seven millenniums, meaning your dog could die at least five billion zillion times in the time I haven’t posted.

That’s a lot of deaths.

Almost as many deaths as hits I get from “ash ketchum naked.”

Oh! Zing! That’s a good one.

Expect a better post tomorrow, it’s 2AM in Florida and I feel like a goddamn snorlax.

Bout to go catch me some Zs.

Providing I have enough Pokeballs.

-JH

How I get hits

Most of my posts get zero views a day.

Some of them get one view or two views, probably by luck.

But the post that gets almost all of my hits is simply titled “Ash Ketchum”

People get to my Ash Ketchum post through the search engine in the upper right hand corner of the screen, searching some normal things, and some very strange things. People get to my blog searching for:

“Ash Ketchum” – Not too strange to be searching Ash Ketchum. Maybe you’re a little kid whose a big Pokemon fan, this search term is fine and I get a lot of hits from it.

“Heart Gold Screenshots” – Always a lot of excitement when a new Pokemon game is coming out. I mean, who doesn’t want a little preview of a game they’re excited for? Got a few hits from this.

“Ash Ketchum Naked” – This is where things get weird. I have no idea why the hell they’re searching this on WordPress of all places. I’m also not sure why the hell they’d like to see the constantly high asexual 10 year old without clothes on. He hasn’t even hit puberty yet you sick fucks. I got far too many hits from this search term.

“sexy naked pokemon pics of misty dawn” – Self explanatory, only 1 hit from this. (phew)

“may misty dawn” – I’m not sure what to think of this one, it could be innocent, or it could be a search for porn. Only 2 from this.

“pokemon porn” – What a straightforward guy, the man who searched for this knew exactly what he was looking for. But he didn’t find it. I feel bad for him.

“Naked Ash Ketchum” – Imagine how many hits I would get if there were actually pictures of Ash Ketchum naked. I’d be like Cracked, except with naked little boys!

Only one search term had nothing to do with Pokemon, that was “fucking jc penney.”

I’m really curious about why this guy hates JC Penny. I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight. It’s fucking keeping me up.

Not so much of a humor post today, I’ll have something better tomorrow, just thought it was kind of weird that 99% of people get to my blog searching for naked 10 year old Pokemon masters.

I’m off to go watch Mulan II again, it really helps when I want to vomit everything I’ve eaten for the past month out on the floor, very bad movie.

But it’s cool, Mulan I takes Mulan II and hits it in the balls with a sledgehammer while boiling it in a pot of its own tears.

Enough is enough,

-x_____________ out

asdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfadogssdfasdfasdfasdfasdfsadfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdf

 

 

 

Blue Raspberry Flavored Shit

I actually haven’t written shit in over a year. I think I’ve been busy with something, but I have no idea what. I’ve been dicking around this whole time. Mostly watching Mega64:Cowpokez over and over again and imitating it. I don’t have a hobby horse, though, so I use a broom. And I’m scared I’ll get arrested so I just stand in the backyard flipping over the same table over and over again. Then I flip off raccoons and shit.

(This is what I actually do)

Anyways, I really like candy, I have no idea what I’d eat without it other than noodles and Korean BBQ, neither of which I can afford. There’s this one flavor I really hate, though, which is called blue raspberry. My friends are always so excited when I get a bag of Jolly Ranchers, always saying, ‘hey, give me the blue raspberry.’ I give them it but I don’t understand why the hell they’d want that piece of shit. It may taste good to them, but even if they tasted good to me, I still wouldn’t eat them.

You know why? It’s because I’ve got something special inside of me, something very special.

They’re called morals.

I don’t eat blue raspberry candy because I don’t eat contradictions. Eating contradictions ultimately will cause you to become a

Incorrect

contradictory person, just like most suspected murderers in Phoenix Wright.

You don’t want to become a murderer, do you? I sure don’t. That’s why I don’t eat anything blue raspberry. Things like Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers, Skittles, Laffy Taffy, Airheads. These are bad to eat, unless you want to fucking end up in jail for manslaughter.

Or taste bud slaughter.

Or just slaughter.

Correct

I actually don’t like normal raspberries too much either, but I have to admit, those blue raspberries in the picture look incredibly nasty.

Let me tell you a story about something I did one time that was really bad yet full of justice. Basically, I went to Safeway with some friends and found all the blue raspberry candy. Then I fucked shit up.

We crossed out the “rasp” in “blue raspberry,” effectively making it “blueberry.”

I’m a criminal, I know.

But the whole reason they did this blue raspberry shit was to get a blue candy on the market.

But for some reason they couldn’t think of a flavor, so they made up their own. When they think of “blue” and a “berry,” they think of fucking blue raspberry. WHAT ABOUT BLUEBERRY YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!?!? THAT’S A REAL GODDAMN BERRY. YOU CAN EAT IT IN REAL LIFE WITHOUT GETTING FOOD POISONING.

God, fuck blue raspberry.

I’m going to go listen to my Mulan soundtrack now, that always cheers me up when I’m thinking of dumb blue raspberries.

-재훈

People I Would Like To Meet… (Part 1)

Sorry for the limited amount of posts recently.

I’ve been sick and sleeping all day. o.o;;;

So, people I would like to meet,

Sinbad: Legend of the Several Badass Sailors on a Boat

First of all….

Sinbad.

This guy is the most badass sailor ever. Watching his movie is like watching Jason and the Argonauts except Sinbad goes on his quest to find a book, not golden fleece.

This guy goes through hell (literally) to find this freaking book which apparently has the sun inside of it. He fights water whores, a giant turtle and an Articuno all while hitting on some other guy’s future wife.

The best fight was with the Articuno. Sinbad’s girlfriend got picked up after the god of Chaos decided to be a douchebag and make the water around his ship freeze. Sinbad shot himself out of a giant crossbow and then stabbed the mountain with knives until he got to the top. Then, he grabs the girl and snowboards down the mountain, without a snowboard. The Articuno gets buried in rocks and Sinbad rushes off.

Rock throw only does 50 damage, though.... BADASS.

Then, Sinbad uses his crazy kickassness to make his boat able to fly to the realm of chaos. That’s at the end of the earth, where about 5000 ships have fallen off and died, but not his, his ship is held up by the power of several burly men and one Mexican guy who can fly.

And a dog. A dog strong enough to hold back several burly men when they want to go have sex with water whores.

Those are whores, made of water.

If I could meet Sinbad, I would fist bump with him. Then, we’d hit up Chuck e’ Cheeses.

Where a man can be a man.

-DongSaeng out

(I’ll be out from today to Sunday. Come rob my house.)

Help

Will anyone sell me/give me (preffered) their unwanted Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald game?

I’m serious.

-DongSaeng. AWAAYYYYY!

Ash Ketchum

Ash Ketchum has been accused of being gay so many times. Is he gay? Is he straight?

The correct answer to both of those questions is “no”.

He likes balls in some sense

Ash simply has no sexual interests at all.

This kid would rather run through the forest catching Pokemon than anything else because all he wants to do is become a Pokemon master. He doesn’t want to cure cancer or marry a beautiful girl, he just wants to catch one of each Pokemon and stuff them into Bill’s PC and

Stop pulling his goddamn ear

never see them again. That’s why they put Brock in the series.

Brock is the ladies man of Pokemon, he and Ash balance out. No one else in Pokemon gives a crap about any of the women that exist in the Pokemon universe.  He will hit on every single Office Jenny, Nurse Joy or any other girl that appears in the series. He’s the guy many girls would want to marry, too. He actually enjoys cooking delicious food, he’ll love you as long as you remain female and he’s loving and caring enough to take care of like 100 little brother’s and sisters. Of course, he isn’t allowed to have a relationship. Always, some girl on Ash’s magical journey will pinch Brock’s ear and pull him away from the girl he’s hitting on because he has a commitment to hang around with a 10 year old nerdy Pokemon trainer, that’s what all 20 year old people love to do. Sometimes he gets girls, but that’s called a filler episode.

But here, look at this:

From left to right: May, Misty, Dawn. If you didn't know that, something's wrong with you

They start with Ash hanging out with Misty.  There’s nothing wrong with her, she doesn’t look too bad and to try and satisfy Ash, she’s the leader of a gym, that must make her a good Pokemon trainer, right? Isn’t that what Ash should be looking for in a girl, especially the Pokemon part. Still, all he wants to say is:

“LOOK, IT’S A PIDGEY WE GOTTA CATCH IT!!! LETS CATCH THE PIDGEY!!!!!!”

Misty: “Ash, I have a crush on you…”

Ash: “LOOK AT MY WEEDLE IT’S SO COOL”

Misty: “Ash, I-I really like you.”

Ash: “LOOK MY PIDGEY LEARNED HOW TO TAKE A SHIT ON THE TOILET”

Misty: “Ash, you’re weird.”

That’s why Misty left. Then came the girl who runs around in tight clothing and her annoying brother. They weren’t good enough for him either, even when May got into a bathing suit every time she saw a water bottle.

Ash's response: "I CAUGHT A PINSIR"

Finally, Dawn came around. Dawn is still there and they gave her a skirt that’s goes down about 2 inches below her waist.

Dawn probably has a crush on Ash, too, which makes me feel really bad for Brock.

On Valentines Day, Ash probably gets chocolate from all the girls. Then he feeds it to his Pokemon.

Brock, getting any chocolate at all would be eternaly grateful and punch his onyx in the face if it asked for some. His fist wouldn’t hurt, but that onyx would be wishing the red stuff flowing out of his face was onyx milk with food coloring in it.

What a Korean (except he can ask out girls).

Actually, Korean/Mexican (tan, 5,000 siblings).

-Ash, learn to love

Girls, get naked for Brock

Someone, add those to the 10 commandments

DongSaeng

Dammit

Who the hell posted the movie post? I wasn’t done yet.

Being Native American… (Read Being Korea First)

I’m Korean.

I can’t ask girls out for my life and even if I could, talking to them would be like taking my foot, shoving it in my ear and hopping around in

Better than asking girls out

an erupting volcano.

I seriously wish my brother hadn’t pissed off that fucking volcano god.

My brother was driving his toyota down the street and some jackass cut him off. When my brother drove by the car, he flipped the driver off. The driver rolls down the window, holy fuck, it’s the volcano god, driving a Hummer H3. He thought he was going to get his ass kicked, but instead, the volcano god told every single fucking volcano to fuck us up every time we asked a girl out. That applies to all Koreans.

Yes, even you

Korean people do make great boyfriends, though. Just watching how my brother treats girls makes me wonder why girls aren’t coming from all over the nation to ask me out or just give me a high five.

Hm… He actually only had to ask out one girl in his life, that one was hard for him. He hid his number in a book he asked her to help him find (she worked at Barnes and Nobles).

I wanted to use something nerdier to ask a girl out, like this nerdy crap I don’t understand:

01010111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100111 01101111 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 00101010 00101010 00101010 00101010 00101010 00111111

Gets you rejected in a second, no more volcano hoppin for me.

But here are ways I’ve seriously considered asking a girl out through:

• A code of my invention
• A really long and complicated scheme that would mess up at some point and I would need to ask her out on my own
• An anonymous love note
• A bear with chainsaws for arms

I really don’t think these things will get me rejected, though. You know why? Since everyone that goes to an APP school is automatically a nerd. It doesn’t matter if you pee money and wipe your ass with Benjamins, wear the nicest clothes ever, flirt with all the girls or anything like that. You’re here, you’re a nerd for the day, the week, the month and the rest of the year. If the math classroom has Pokemon drawn on the whiteboard, you go to a nerd school. If people have over 100% in math, you’re in a nerd school. If  you are a nerd, you’re in a nerd school.

What a NERD

How did I get so distracted from my original topic?

Hyukminn will teach me about girls, right?

Right?

SNAKKEEEE?

-I guess I’m Otacon today

DongSaeng out

Welcome to Pokemon FREAKING Tower

I hate Pokemon Tower so much.

I hate Pokemon Masters but loooovee Team Rocket

It’s got ghosts, chanellers and an incredibly pissed off Marowak.

The Marowak lets Team Rocket go right by, not regarding them as intruders. But you, someone who spends more time with his Pokemon than with his mom, cannot be allowed onto the top floor of the freaking tower of Pokemon buried like 5,000 freaking years ago. No, first you need to beat your rival, kick the asses of about 15 chanelers and beat Team Rocket in their fucking casino before you’re  allowed to even challenge the Marowak without your level 100, 12′ 9″ Pokemon who gets scared out of it’s pants without a Silph Scope. That’s why I train my Pokemon to be blind.

When I catch a Pokemon, the first thing I do is stab its eyes out so it won’t get scared of the fucking ghosts. Still, it doesn’t ever work. Even when I force an Abra’s eyes open, just to stab

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU

them out, it still gets scared. To scared to even use teleport and run away. What the fuck is this shit?

That’s not the only thing about the tower. The dialog spoken by every channeler sounds like the writer decided to take two knifes, stab them into both of his eyes and then bang his fist against the keyboard until it breaks. That’s why it costs $40 for the piece of dialog that each channeler says.

(Not much else to say… I need to play Pokemon Tower more…)

I guess I like stabbing eyes.

-I’m out

(Bad post, sorry… Look at this, instead)

:D This is a terrible book to write

Being Korean

Hey, sorry there was no post yesterday

I’m a Korean. I love Korea. I love Korean food. I love Korean girls. I love Korea in general. Being Korean is great, it’s a little like, what do you call it, oh yeah,

A coincedence? I think not.

Oh yeah, I also love Starcraft. All Koreans love Starcraft. It’s the national sport there. What do you do if you live in Korea and also hate Starcraft? Simple, don’t live in Korea.

BUILD MORE PYLONS, SON

Hm. So, Korean parents, like all other Asian parents, care so very much about grades. So much, actually, that they seem like pylons, which are basically the foundation of a Starcraft society. To construct anything, you must first consruct those mother fucking pylons.

A+ MOTHA FUCKER

“Ohh… So you want to ‘chill’ with your ‘homies’, eh? WELL CONSTRUCT PYLONS FIRST, DAMMIT!!”

I’m pretty sure my mom said that to be once, actually, except instead of “construct pylons” she said “get your grades up”. See what I mean?

Also, Korean parents seem to lean towards girls a bit more, I don’t know how that’s like Starcraft, unless a girl is represented by an Ultralisk. Backed by the power of two angry Korean parents, you don’t want to mess with one of those.

Being Korean is about as fun as playing Starcraft. Since there aren’t that many Koreans, hanging out with someone who burns with Korean pride makes people feel unique. I bet there are less than 10 Koreans at my school. Half of them are probably boys. So if girls are looking to be original, I’ve got a 1 to 4 chance they’ll ask me out first, sweet.

A Korean girl - don't worry, they get better with age

Yup, that’s right, I want to be asked out by a girl. You see, Korean guys are shy as fuck. They can’t ask a girl out with turning so red, they stop looking Korean and start the Native American flow. That’s the number one reason all the girls we like go off and get hitched with white guys and we get stuck behind sucking dicks in the McDonald’s bathroom, hoping a girl will accidentally walk into the stall and you’ll fall in love. Which of course, never happens because even though girls love McDonald’s bathrooms, they’ll somehow get the idea you’re gay because you’re sucking men’s dicks there.

This is weird to me since even though I do the most retarded things, I can’t talk one-on-one well with any girl except my mom. My mom is not a love interest. Neither is my little sister or any of my older sisters. I can have one-on-one talks with them, but no, when Korean people are  born (anywhere), Kim Jong Fucking Il comes can takes there ability to talk with girls away, you know why? Because he didn’t become a movie director, that’s why. Similar to why Hitler became what he became, he got rejected from art school. Art school, man, chill out, there’s no reason to kill like 10 million people.

Missiles Versus Aliens, Rated G, by Pixar and Kim Jong Il

Just give Kim Jong Il a movie deal! Maybe he’ll stop playing with nuclear bombs and being a dictator and shit. Come to think about it, a movie by him would be great. It would be called “Missile+House” and that’s all it would be for 90 minutes. Film of the fucking year.

Oh wow, look  what happened to the Ultralisk! See? It was just a phase.

Ask me out. Oh yah, you can't, bitch

Hmm.. To finish this post up, lets talk about the name “Chae”, the name given to me by my parents.

Well, it’s a girl’s name.

I think that explains itself.

-Dong Saeng out

??

Dan, you’re too good at spamming like a pro.

How the hell do you do that?

-DongSaeng

Gaming in the Backseat

I am a backseat gamer.

I love to sit behind people and watch them play games.

I love to tell people that they suck at the game and try to get them to stop sucking. Just like what I’m doing right now with my friend William, who is currently sucking ass at Fallout 3.

Boom. Headshot

I don’t think of backseat gaming as a bad thing. Some people can’t perform any tasks in video games, I’m here to help them, tell them how to shoot, tell them how to use VATS, pick things up and how to exit the fucking room they’ve been stuck in for about 10 goddamn minutes.

I’ve had to show people how to open their item menu, how to loot a corpse and how to repair items. It gets so annoying.

“Where do I go next?” – Follow the fucking green arrow

“How do I equip an item?” – Press “B” mother fucker

“Where should I go now?” – Green Arrow, bitch!!

I actually had to clear a whole metro station for William. You know why? It’s because he was too scared of the ghouls living there. He makes backseat gaming so much less fun. It’s not even backseat gaming anymore, he makes

PRESS RIGHT TRIGGER MOTHER FUCKER

me take the wheel, turning the whole thing into just “gaming”.

Even a backseat gamer like me who loves to help other gamers be the best that they can be cannot cope with all these shitty questions. And the thing is, after asking a question, the same question will often be asked a few minutes later, in a different context.

How dah I shoot again?

1) “How do I equip weapons?”

2) “How do I equip my rocket launcher?”

3) “How do I equip my pistol?”

4) “Stop choking me please.”

William has one the best trigger figure out of all of my friends. Still, it takes quite some time for him to learn anything new (he gets about 5 kills per death in Counter Strike Source, but he still only has a 2:1 ratio, started crappy? I think so). Gears of War, Fallout 3, both of them were hard for him to handle even though I was able to pick up both of them quite easily on my first plays.

How do I open my map again?

Autism? No.

Cancer? No.

Stupidity? Perhaps.

Or maybe he’s really smart.  A ploy to stop me from backseat gaming the fuck out of him and instead just playing with him watching.

I mean, I play Fallout really fast and awesome, so it’s understandable. 10mm Pistol+Ghoul’s head.

It’s quite lovely.

My equations are harder. Experimental MIRV+8 nuclear missiles/Power Armor x Altitude= Bloody Mess, without the perk. Delicious.

-Chae out

P.S William will kick your ass at CounterStrike Source, no fucking joke.

FEMA – What the hell does that stand for?

Note: I seriously do not know what FEMA stands for and I have not looked at more than the front page of both of their websites. What a rant this will be. ;D

Recently, a good friend of mine sent me something about FEMA,

He gave me this link:

http://www.fema.gov/kids/dizkid1.htm

Feel free to click it, I did, but I was quite disappointing. I loved all the bright colors, but when I saw the big logo that said “FEMA for Kids”, this conversation ensued:

I think this is what FEMA is

me: FEMA for kids?

What is this shit?

Kaizilla: yup

me: I’m a man

Kaizilla: even better

Well, it makes it easier

me: Men like a challenge

I was angry, I wanted something better and more challenging than this wimpy ass kids version of whatever FEMA is. So, my friend followed up wtih straight up, fema.gov

This version was even worse. There were no pictures and I really, really did not want to click anything that site had to offer. But suddenly, an idea sprang into my head. I clicked the address bar and quickly typed in:

FEMA.MEN

I assumed this would lead me to the men version of FEMA. A challenging version of whatever the hell I was supposed to be looking at, with pictures and lots of bright colors. But no, instead I got “Cannot Find Server”

Then again, it could be this

Most dissapointing day ever.

FEMA.MEN was supposed to be like the light at the end of the tunnel. After looking at the front pages of both FEMA for Kids and FEMA, I felt like I was about to throw up. Then, the idea came, I typed FEMA.MEN into the address bar, suspense was building. And bam! Nothing.

No one else should have to go through something like this, so I’ve taken the liberty of listing some things you might have found on FEMA.MEN, if it existed.

• Tornados
• Cole Train
• Bears with chainsaws for arms
• Guns
• Porn
• Educational Activities Screw that, hot girls
• A great place to hang out with other manly men and protect the environment kick ass

Peace,

DongSaeng

If we were all Korean rappers…

MC Mong

Tablo

I think I would be MC Mong, the crazy one

Hyukminn would be Tablo, the smart one

And Joe Kickass would be the Wonder Girls

Nuf’ said

-I’m out

Also, stop voting more than once in my poll. It keeps screwing up my results. 5 votes for Umbreon? Seriously, I have a Suicune.

Guess who!